oh god y’all I’m on a train rn

it’s been a minute since I’ve done a solo train trip. the last time was almost a decade ago, as i watched France turn into the Netherlands, rapidly passing through by myself. I was heartbroken and chasing a high (and a Pisces doctor who couldn’t reciprocate my intense feelings) I could never hope to reach.

the circumstances are different this time.

i’m off to visit someone I’m slowly building a substantial connection with, the both of us putting in the work to see if the foundation will last. weirdly, i haven’t addressed my polyamory or my dating life (besides my wonderful fiancé) on any platforms directly— but i think a lot of that is due to my protectiveness over those connections. also, my fiancé and I have been together for 8.5 years, and the other relationships are newer. it’s strange to think about how freely I’m willing to dole out intimate details about certain adventures with strangers and friends— but I am not inclined to do so when it comes to the intricacies of each specific partnership.

it’s ok to be nervous

my body tends to freeze up (thanks, relationship trauma!!!) when good things come my way. society taught me that my happiness isn’t prioritised and i should be grateful for anything that comes my way— however slim those pickings may be. before my relationship with tobi, i navigated the dating landscape with this idea of non-monogamy in mind— but scared of it because an open container potentially leads to miscommunication and lack of accountability. as i age and grow into myself, it’s clear to me that people will do shitty things and treat people poorly regardless of whatever labels or container you put them in. the full stop for me is that i can love and give myself with discernment. however, i needed to acknowledge that opening myself up to relationship with anything requires a leap of faith (mostly in myself.)

the teachings of Buddha taught me a lot about how pain is inevitable: it’s part of the human condition. however, suffering through some of these universal painful moments is optional. death and loss are things that will happen in my lifetime, and therefore learning more about them through the process of living is crucial. in order to destigmatise, talking about the grief that transpired through it makes perfect sense to me. demystifying hard topics like death and holding someone’s hand through the process is part of why i chose these professions: an astrologer, a death worker, and eventually a practitioner in the health professions. holistically, I’d like to be someone who sits and holds sacred space for others. i do some of that now, but I’m eager to continue with my education to do so.

part of this is also being transparent about the special relationships i hold with people in my life. it means exposing vulnerable and faulty wiring that I’ve painstakingly attempted to fix and remedy. as I travel down the coastline to see someone who means a lot to me, I’m forced to confront old wounds. they’ve healed over, but there are ghostly intermittent pangs of pain that bug me. i have to face the reality that these scars exist and I carry them with me forever, they’re part of my story— but they are not all of me. there are beautiful pieces of myself that the people in my life choose to focus on and nurture.

my fiancé has been supportive of all of these changes in our relationship. he’s been my number one supporter and fan— even asking how he can nurture me through the process, which is helpful. prior to bringing him into this world as an active participant, we would allude to it in hushed tones. it’s not for everyone, and sometimes this don’t ask, don’t tell discretion works for people… but for us? it’s been healthier to unpack the ebbs and flows of building new connections with each other, to be fully transparent but having the awareness of how our other dates and partners fall within the span of our constellation.

another partner and i untangled the dynamics, which are constantly changing and not static at all, and we decided that yes, my fiancé is a primary partner of sorted but that the hierarchy is only established due to the fact that we have been together for so long. the entrance of this other partner did not negate the connection we had, but increased awareness of my own capacity, as well as the abundance of love i could give. the new partner helped me realised that there is a hierarchy, even if it’s a light one, and only because of the strong foundation my fiancé and I have built. but the existence of that does not negate or invalidate the feelings that other partners and I share. it just makes me more conscious of what’s mine to give, and to be very transparent about communication and limitations. coming through as my most vulnerable and authentic self helps weed out the people who aren’t comfortable with that, and therefore aren’t the right fit.

my wounds around relationships stem from former trauma with college and high school encounters. though i don’t consider myself a late bloomer, i do give myself grace for all the feelings that rush through. I honour the wounded parts of myself and tend to them in a way I can do best. the other connections are enthusiastic about this which makes me feel better about myself. but ultimately, I am sitting with the discomfort and anxiety in ease because I love myself first and foremost.

hope you all are well and that you’re treating yourself with grace on Venus’ day

xo

join me irl!

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the two following events in NYC— an astro hang out at my place (4/16) and an astro drag show where I’ll be giving mini readings (4/17!) come thru and join me 💕

if you’re further away my books are still open—