time waits for no one

it’s fashion week here in the city.

while my libra sun is celebrating, the rest of me feels ill-equipped and disgusted by how non-inclusive designer brands can be and still are. i don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, and i think the entire week is worth flooding the entire metropolis.

but i’m in no mood to partake in the festivities, even when my name is finally on a list for a brand’s party, whom i adore and have tons of clothes from.

strange how that tends to work out, huh?

i attribute most of my mood to dealing with chronic illness, as well as moving through grief the way i’ve been doing for the last month or so. there are a lot of things continuing to pile up on my plate, and i’ve been trying to attend to all of that while watching the world move around me. tending to my scars, wounds and ailments during a sixth house profection year is my focus, and boy, howdy— did the stars fucking tell me to settle the fuck in and hunker down.

when someone leaves you, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-loathing. i can’t tell you how many times (as a young adult or teenager) i crawled into the embrace of rejection and stayed there until i succumbed to depression! often times, i equated abandonment with some moral failing on my end. it’s hard to not take someone’s rejection of you as personal. but it usually isn’t.

humans are fallible. we hold this tendency to selfishly follow our own pursuits and desires because that’s how we’re wired. unless you’re brought up in a more collectivist culture, it’s often what society dictates and teaches our young. we are indoctrinated towards self-preservation.

to a point, it makes sense. but it’s a failure on society’s part for not giving children the tools to learn how to communicate effectively, or even how to relate to one another. (i think conflict-resolution and communication skills should be taught in every classroom.) it fails to address the fact that individuals make up a collective society. it’s part of a larger ecosystem, and much of it embraces white supremacy. in teaching everyone to look out for one’s self, we purposefully brush aside under-represented minority communities— some of the most vulnerable in our population— eschewing their presence in favour of white, western standards.

we also haven’t taught ourselves how to openly grieve, embrace our emotions and let the flow of sadness go.

i truly wish time stopped during terrible moments. it’s like watching a car crash in slow-motion, except it’s your heart in the car, and you’re watching yourself get annihilated metaphorically. in times of heartbreak, it’s awful to realise that the person in the driver’s seat is someone you trusted to take care of you. how the f u c k did this person not understand that i am precious cargo? or it feels like the driver abandoned the car mid-drive and rolled the fuck out without warning you.

it fucking hurts. how could we not have it feel like a rejection of our own whole selves when your whole self is who they fell in love with?

life moves on. (with or without you)

time does not stop for anyone. even the grieving.

yet another full revolution living in this house that i built with one of the great loves of my life. i find myself going back to school, realising that clinical work is where i shine. soon, the leaves will change colour and it’ll be libra season: the start of autumn. the girlies will get their pumpkin spice lattes at starbucks and pull on their uggs once again. seasons change, but the cycle repeats over again.

past my saturn return: i don’t hate myself this time around. i’m not even holding back the flood gates this time. they’ve been open, allowing tears to flow in a steady stream. i keep writing unsent letters, drafting text messages in liminal spaces, and listening to the same albums over and over again. but i keep moving forward, because i’m aware that it was never about me.

it was about you.

the hurt will subside someday, and probably soon. when people ask me about you, i’ll say what i always do and shrug it off by saying something generic like well, i have nothing bad to say, we just weren’t the right fit. because there is nothing left to say when someone leaves. they made a pointed choice and it sucks more when their desires outshine the love you two shared. but as the maker of the meme above said in their comments section: what is grief, if not love persisting?

even at such a loss,

i still find myself humming along to our favourite songs. even as the embers start to smoke out, i tend to the flames and the ashes. i know nothing will ever bring back the roaring inferno. but at least i can take care to the fire that is left. because there was love there once, and it’s still there.

but maybe it’s time for it to transform. maybe in time, we can collect the cinders and ash and turn it into something entirely new.