person(s) of liminal experience/space(s)

when dating multiple people in a non-monogamous structure, the experience of commiserating over our shared exhaustion over dating with partners is a common one.

you’re in love with him, my partner teases, prompting me to address my feelings. ugh, i’m not! i don’t know what to call him— telling people ‘he’s a person i’m seeing’ is a mouthful. but he’s not exactly a friend with benefits. he’s also not partner material because that doesn’t fit in his relationship structure, i protest.

my mouth foams at the mere thought of having to talk about the intricacies of interpersonal dynamics.

i just call them my tricks. i went from bitches to tricks, they reply, attempting to find a more concise term for these people in our lives that don’t necessarily fit the criteria of a partner (too serious for what it is,) nor as a friend with benefits (too casual.) we brainstorm and throw back a couple phrases that don’t hit quite well, and that extends well into our text messages later.

we settle on honeydew without really knowing if it’ll stick.

it works (for now.)

what do you call someone that doesn’t fit easily into any of the predefined relational categories that society sets?

when my fiancé and i first opened ourselves up to polyamory, we wrestled with boundaries and guidelines. i think relationship anarchy is valid for some people, but with my high anxiety and relational trauma— the idea of not labelling something feels ick. i am accustomed to (and generally prefer) having a deep emotional connection with someone before erotic intimacy comes into play.

but as i date around, i realise that not everyone’s a good fit for something long-term, nor do i even hold the capacity for multiple connections at that serious level, especially when they live so close. my default attachment to most is a fearful-avoidant (disorganised) style. i get anxious when i don’t have a strong sense of compartmentalisation, but i don’t allow a lot of people to get close enough to earn shared vulnerability. it’s weird. i hold the sacredness of relation to a high standard, perhaps almost unfair. sometimes people define themselves as non-monogamous, and not polyamorous— leaving me to scrutinise where the boundaries exist in any (and all) dynamic(s.)

a friend and client of mine offered up what young folx in mexico city refer to their people of liminal experience/space as: culito. this translates to a fond pet name equating to little ass(hole,) and tickles my funny bone whenever i hear it.

how do you feel about the term culito, i ask to my own on our next date. he turns to me, mid-bite and shrugs, deeming it better than the other terms i tried to assign him earlier. the relative ease of this conversation only further deepens the shared intimacy between us: we’re genuine friends! over condensed milk glazed mantou buns, we consider the implications of what that designation entails. defining a relationship like this is not so easy, but for some reason it’s going much better than anticipated.

in contrast, many of the other conversations I’ve had with others that start with ‘what is this?’ end with a poor resolution. the last time i had this talk was with a young twenty-something for two and a half hours at a distance. the space between us, normally full of vigour and electricity, dulled into static. time tends to stall when vulnerability presents itself. it slows to a complete stop when the other person’s emotions take precedence. the knife in your heart turns with every exasperated huff and defeated sigh. that feels like lifetimes ago.

we’re dating, the short king who slid up in my DMs announces to the other people we’re in the middle of a conversation. my body seizes up in response— a sure signal that this was the wrong thing to say. i nod reluctantly, unsure of how else to define a fading attraction.

how do you break what you’re often unsure about? something i ask myself when re-evaluating my dance card. the tangled mess that is my love life wrangles itself into a jumble. the novelty of meeting new suitors wears off quickly after a series of unfortunate dates and lack of chemistry. the app interactions and copious text messages to strangers slow to a halt as i find myself increasingly preoccupied with my two serious partners.

when it comes to definitive Romance (with a capital R for emphasis,) my feelings intensify and burn with passion. the long-term partners I’ve had in my life always started with a roaring fire, and all we’ve had to do was add more kindling and tend to the flames in order to sustain the connection. but what happens to the relations that don’t begin in the same manner? what if they started with a hesitant dipping of the toes into the tepid water? aging into myself, i am horrified at how i continue to pursue interactions that seem so… mid, and how i used to complain to my loved ones about how an ex felt meh about me and in turn, treated me poorly.

musing over the connections that are not easily definable makes me wonder what we owe each other. is it okay for me to continue something I feel ambivalent over, despite having misgivings? no one is harming the other, and the liminality provides a soft place to land, surprisingly. pathologising my guilt gives me more anxiety, and as long as we remain on the same page— i’m okay with the undefinable.

maybe it’s because I’m confident in the love i share with others— not just in a romantic context— and embrace it. I nurture the relationships in my life and hope they take flight and grow on their own. for every passing culito, i take comfort in the solid foundation i’ve co-created with others in my shared life. and i can’t complain about how much joy those have given me. 💗

housekeeping update

for those of you who are unaware: i’m getting married to my fiancé this year! i’m currently traveling for the first of a three-act wedding celebration. amongst that, I also find myself transitioning into a new phase of life and therefore: my books are closed to new clients. if we are in talks, please nudge me. i’m only open to existing clients and anyone i have on the waitlist. otherwise, i’m figuring out best ways to engage with you all in a lower-energy manner (whether that be workshops or other content.)

I appreciate you all sharing, engaging and loving my work and me. I am truly blessed and thankful for you all x

if you’ve come this far, i encourage you to also donate to my home state, as Maui has gone through some devastating wildfire damage. please consider donating to an old classmate (ilima macfarlane of bellator MMA fame)’s foundation for fire relief, click below!

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