becoming and unbecoming

this year asked a lot out of me, and while i can sit here and mull over what went wrong—i think more positive came out of it than anything else. i grappled with bouts of illness (thank you to Daddy Saturn, for ruling this 6h year with an iron fist,) leading to some dire actions on my part in relearning how to sit with my body in its pain. i grieved the loss of my innocence and youth, and dealt with the effects of aging. i lost myself more times than i could count this year, but all of that served a purpose: coming back to myself, becoming a new being and stepping into my power fully.

i spent a lot of 2022 lost and pouring myself into shame and discontent for meandering. i left a research job i liked at the end of 2021 due to burn out and the promise of a higher-paying corporate job (lol i sold out) in 2022. after six months in that job, i realised that the pay wasn’t worth it and it was taking a huge toll on my body and mental health and i quit. corporate life and having to serve a business, rather than people ultimately led me to my current path. my body felt the effects of aging, i had massive dysphoria due to the state of my flesh vessel, and i learned to adjust to the ebbs and flows of pain. the cycles of harsh stress on my body took a toll on me, and i spent the majority of my time resting and contemplating what could come next. my parents got sick and are far away, so all i could do was listen and observe and support from afar.

on one hand, it feels like the perfect book-end to a raging pandemic-anxiety fueled era. on the other, i’m grateful to have gone through the hardship so that i can appreciate the good that happened to me this year.

in the transition to part-time studies and part-time work (thank you astrology,) i felt a call towards deities that, while the relationship was young and tenuous, had been poking at me for awhile. strange thing about gods and guides— when you hear them call you, you end up listening. i avoided the call from Hekate for awhile before i realised that She was leading me towards a path where my gifts could be utilised to their best ability. She led me to the crossroads, as She is bound to do as the patron saint of them. She and Saturn helped me exist in liminality at the fringes, observing and waiting to make a move. i finished some beginning death doula studies, and have chosen to embark on a path to aid the dying and their loved ones through that time.

in return, my spiritual practice grew. my astrological practice is small but mighty, and taking on clients to hold space for them was one of the best things i could have done for myself this year. seeing people nourished me and helped build a community around the work that i do. in dealing with death studies, i also found Buddhism, Zen, and the Tao. i became aware of the relationships i hold with nature, others, my guides and myself. finding all of these guides helped me find myself.

i fell in love with myself and the world around me in a way i can only describe as magical.

i could go on, but the point of this wrap up is to celebrate existence as resistance in this world. amongst other things, i hope 2023 brings more positivity rather than heartache. but isn’t that the way the world works? we exist. suffering is part of life (at least that’s what Buddha teaches us,) and accepting that pain is the beauty of being human and alive.

if you’ve joined me this far, thank you for your patronage. i’ll see you in the new year with more material— a lot of it free— and essays on life. for now, please enjoy your happy new year.

also— my books are open :) so fill out the form on my website!