asking for what you want is magical

maybe it’s because i was raised in a diasporic immigrant community, but i was given mixed messages about how to communicate with others when it came to my desires. in this way, i found it challenging to be an advocate for myself because whenever i would express authenticity, it would be shut down. conversely, i was still encouraged to raise my voice and be outspoken— but only when deemed appropriate.

it wasn’t just my upbringing that stifled my speech,

the act of falling in and out of love, of relating to others and the painful process of opening myself up to someone only to get dismissed also knocked me down a couple pegs. (okay more like off the ladder completely, but we are not discussing my TRAUMAS TODAY, MARTHA!!!)

whatever it was, i know i’m better off for it now. for me to write this and tell you to just ASK, is easier said than done. trust me, it took me almost 30 years to begin to unpack what that means and why i was so terrified to turn it into action. and honestly, i didn’t realise it until i found myself deep in conversation with someone i care for a lot.

one on one relationships, in whatever context, stress me out. no one ever wants to hurt someone precious, but it inevitably happens when you allow an organic partnership with someone. even platonic ones. as someone with a disorganised (primarily anxious) attachment style, it’s nerve-wracking to advocate for myself and the desires i had in a friendship or relationship. hell, i also get fairly frightened when i do so with family members!

so when i had a long overdue, extended conversation with someone i really care about, I wondered why there was so much angst building up in my body. the amount of miscommunication that went on between the two of us seemed almost comical at this point. but having an honest dialogue both opened some wounds, and allowed us to soothe balm over them in order to gain a better understanding for our own needs and desires in how we communicate with others. that’s the most wonderful thing about being in relation with someone else. we often learn something new about them every day.

instead of clamming up, i indicated what i wanted, clarified the actions that left me feeling insecure, and tried to open up the conversation to their perspective. but the fact that my companion took the entire thing in stride and cooperated stunned the shit out of me.

i wrote this tweet after the evening ended and after I drunkenly waved goodbye to them in favour of my continuous attempts to get a stranger’s dog to love me:

my inebriated self has a point, but oversimplified. asking for what you want does bring it that much closer to you, but only because you’re feeling some type of way— enough to open up a conversation. that’s what asking for your desires does. it doesn’t necessarily bring you them right away, or even in the correct form… but it leads to a dialogue. i would be a damn liar if i thought just saying what i wanted manifested it into existence. life just doesn’t work that way.

especially if something you want involves appealing to another being, that shit just doesn’t fly. we can’t force someone into feelings they simply do not embody. it’s impossible to motivate someone into doing something if it’s not genuine. relating to another entity means learning and listening, and it means compromise on everyone’s part.

asking for what you want is a form of magic, in and of itself. it seems mundane, but for those manifestation mamis: isn’t that just a method of asking the universe what you want? and instead of using coercive magic, wouldn’t it be more effective to just ask the other person? to advocate for yourself?

putting it out there is better than keeping it inside.

asking the entity directly is much more effective than just shouting it out to the universe and hoping you get an answer. but the fear of rejection gets in the way, but without asking, you won’t get it anyway.

so why not ask?

the worst thing that could happen is that someone says no. at that point, you can pivot and adjust your expectations, compromise, or go at it alone. sometimes those things can be painful, but i happen to think it’s more brutal to avoid dealing with it or never saying what’s on your mind.

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